Spanish/Mexican translation to English?

I keep getting texts from someone I don’t know and they’re in spanish. Can someone translate please???

Hola, soy un fantasma, en este momento estoy al lado tuyo, te estoy tocando el culo y se que te gusta porque te estas riendo.

Q. significa (after I told them they had the wrong number and I didn’t know who they were)

El condon le dice al kotex kabron tu me kitas el negociopor 1 semana. Y el kotex le contesta, cuando tu te rompes me jodes por 9 months.

It would be helpful. Thanks. I have received more but deleted them, and I am sure I will receive more….
New one-

Rosita en un dictado le pregunta a pepito- Huevo, se escribe con H o sin H? Pepito le dice- Escribe Bicho, es lo mismo.
After I told him I didn’t know him and he had the wrong number (i looked it up on a eng-span translator-

cabron se t olvido soy govica

It sounds mean???!!!!

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